


Le Petit Mort (et trois petits dieus)

by clk_boom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clk_boom/pseuds/clk_boom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the post-game death of Dirk Strider, the other three Alpha kids try to keep it together and reminisce.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Le Petit Mort (et trois petits dieus)

He couldn't take it. The new life, the noise, the people. From scrap parts, he built a pair of noise cancelling headphones as fast as he could. He started locking himself up in his room. He made fewer and fewer appearances in open places, only ever talked to Jane, Jake, and Roxy anymore; stopped trying to reach out to the new people.

One day, he mentioned something to Roxy about not being needed anymore. It worried her, so of course she tried to assure him that yeah, they did, and they wanted him even more, which wasn't that better than being needed, Dirk? He shrugged it off. 

One other day, he told Jane that if anything ever happened to him, she better watch out for everyone, got it? It worried her, but she agreed anyway, but what's going to happen to him now, it's a safe haven here or something. He said you never know.

One more day, he asked Jake if he still mattered to anyone, like, really mattered, you know, Jake? It worried him, and he looked at Dirk really intensely for a few seconds and nodded, making sure that he knew yeah, Dirk. More than most things. Dirk didn't understand why or how.

One final day, when no one was around, Dirk bought rope. With shaking hands, he tied it up -- tightly, carefully, so it wouldn't fall loose. He tied the loop which he'd practiced so many times. Stuck his head through. He kicked the stool out from under his feet and not long after, he was gently swinging, every breath used up.

It was Roxy who found him a couple hours later, and instantly she screamed denial. Jane came running at the blood curdling "no", followed closely by Jake. Roxy cried for days and didn't sleep more than three hours a week for a month. Jake didn't know what to do with himself and fell into a barely responsive state for almost as long. Jane, however, distracted and busied herself by doing what Dirk had asked her - take care of them. She baked, too, made dinner and dessert for the entire "family" of humans and trolls from then on. She always, even to this day, set a place for Dirk, something which not a single person questioned.

When the three of them found themselves able to even speak his name again, Jane called for a sit-down. They talked for hours, about coping, and missing him, and just being so tired from grieving. About trying to soldier on because that's what he'd want. About trying not to blame themselves because it was all such a gross miscommunication and how they may have been able to prevent it if only they'd shared the things that had worried them, the little hints he dropped. About being sorry they weren't stronger for each other. About memories of him.

"I remember one time, before we ever entered the game, Dirk and I had just started talking. We were like, twelve or something. I was so upset and he asked why. I asked him why my Mom had to die, why she wasn't there, and he thought I was sad about it! Really, I already just accepted it as fact, right, but a few hours later he sent me this amazing little robo-replica of my cat. I never told him, but I was just trying to deal with my first period!"

They shared a laugh, wiping tears from their faces and passing around a box of tissues as the last few bouts of sobs, hiccups, and sniffles worked their way out of their systems.

"Oh man, I remember when it was raining really hard on my birthday once, and my dad hadn't come back from the store yet. He'd just gone out to get more cake mix and, you know, things like that, but it was taking way longer than it should have. Dirk and I had been talking, and he told me it was all okay. I don't know what it was, but he just really helped. My dad came back later; I think he'd just been stuck in really bad traffic."

Jake and Roxy nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. Dirk had a way of knowing how to calm people down, work them up. It was most likely to do with the fact that he'd been a Heart player. The girls looked to Jake, wondering if he had a memory to share.

"Ahem- er, I have a number of tales I could tell about the late and great Dirk Strider, as I'm sure you two lovely ladies do, as well. However, most of mine... are rather personal. Close to my heart in a way that memories are when shared between two young people in lo-" He paused, regaining his verbal footing. "Infatuation with one another."

Jane shook her head and made sure he knew that well, Jake, if he doesn't want to talk about it they weren't forcing him, but Roxy cut her short and patted his knee. He didn't have to but it's not like they minded, she added. Jake shifted in his seat.

"I wouldn't want to embarrass either of you, bit if you insist... I remember once, after our, our-" He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "Our first time. We fell back from each other, positively elated and exhausted. It was just sort of quiet and everything was lovely and as we lay in bed under the covers, I just heard him say, 'You know, in French they call this "le petit mort". Means "the little death".' And then, he said," Jake swallowed and shifted again, looking down hard at the ground. "He said, 'I could only hope this is what death would feel like.' I laughed it off, then. I thought it was just one of those funny little things he said. I never even, for a second, thought-"

As Jake broke into tears, Jane and Roxy pulled him into a group hug. Jake pulled out of his pocket Dirk's note, which he carried with him at all times, and he read aloud the one part he was always sure was meant just for him.

"...And I know you all love me; this isn't against or about you at all. I'm so sorry, but in time, you'll all move on. I've served my purpose and I can't stand it. I'm just a small death on a scale of much bigger, better things."

And as they held each other, it hit them that no matter what they'd gained in the game, lost in it, or where they were; no matter what this post-game "haven" brought, this was what they had: one little death and three small gods.

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing like a bit of cathartic writing and making people cry.  
> Also, I'm trying out a different writing style to pop into my repertoire. Let me know if I should use this one some more or keep to my old style in the comments!  
> One more thing: should I keep using the Homestuck skin or should I make it normal again?


End file.
